Final Instructions

If you are reading this letter than I am dead. Let me just say that I loved you both very much. Please indulge me by complying with one last request, a small thing really, considering how much I gave to you both and how little I asked in return. Actually, it won’t be just one thing, but a few things, simple and easy things that should take no more than a few minutes to accomplish. All perfectly legal. That is, all very safe and mostly legal, until the final request.
Did I mention the incentive? Oh yes, your entire inheritance is dependent on fulfilling these requests. $21,000,000, all your’s if these actions can be verified by my representative at Price-Waterhouse. And yes, the trollop who is my wife of will receive nothing, in this life or the next. Benjamin, Samuel, I love you both with all my heart. Ben, please open the manilla envelope for your personal instructions, DO NOT READ THEM ALOUD. Samuel, please await your very specific and important instructions

(opens envelope)

Firstly, display no emotion as you read this whatsoever. Secondly, in the top right drawer of my desk you will find my revolver, it is loaded. Shoot Samuel in the chest and do not hesitate, remember the $21,000,000 is all your’s now. Don’t worry about getting away with the crime, I have it all worked out. SHOOT!(shoots) Good boy. Now place the gun in your pocket. You will dispose of it in the river later. Regarding the body, drag it into the garage. I recommend carrying it with your arms hooked under the shoulders because deadweights are extremely difficult to move. Then, place it into the trunk of the Bentley which I have arranged to be covered with plastic. Now you must drive the Bentley to the Biscayne house. Melissa is away on a cruise, celebrating. In the glove compartment you will find a garage door opener, drive into the garage and deposit the body in the kitchen in a sitting position Note: this can be trickey with a deadweight, I know first hand. Now brew a cup of coffee and place it in front of the body and write a note reading, “Just Dishing”. Tape the note to the mouth of the body while remembering the $21,000,000. Then, wipe down the room for fingerprints. In the kitchen doors to the left of the sink you will find keys to the Eascalade. It is parked two blocks North of the house. Turn on the CD player and follow further instructions.

(turns on CD player)

“Benjamin, if you are listening to this then you have followed instructions and for this I commend you. Be encouraged to know that you are near the half-way point, half-way to $21,000,000. My wife, the slut, and Samuel , are together responsible for my death. As you know, she will receive nothing from the estate. But that is not enough. In the backseat you will find a disguise. Put these on and drive to the house in Palm Beach which will be your’s soon enough. Pause the CD player until you arrive.

“So, you are in disguise and you have arrived in the alley behind the house in Palm Beach which will be your’s soon enough. I suppose that you are wondering about the disguise. Fair enough. I picked it up in my travels through New Guinea, specifically near Mt Jaya. It was designed to frighten the spirits of the dead and was the most terrifying thing I ever saw until I saw your step-mother without her makeup one morning. Under the garden troll you wil find a house key. The alarm code is 4917. In the map box you will find an envelope with further instructions. Open it once inside and follow instructions to the letter”

(enters house and opens envelope)

So, at this point you are inside awaiting further instructions. Let me just say at this point that I am beaming with pride even though I am most certainly in hell. Let me also say that I lied to you when I said that Melissa is on a cruise. In fact, she is upstairs on our bed watching some kind of CSI show and drinking gin tonics. I am regretful because you deserve the truth. However, had I told you exactly what I wanted you to do, you would have fainted with dread. Now you are all-in, and there is no doubt that you will follow through because failing to do so will result in life imprisonment and even lethal injection. I also lied about dumping the gun in the river. Here is what you are to do. Inside the hall closet you will find my black overcoat. In the right pocket you will find a bottle of pills and surgical gloves. Put on the surgical gloves and take the pills upstairs. Force Melissa to swollow the entire bottle at gunpoint and place the bottle on the bedside table. After she is unconscious, go down to the basement and untie the small calf you will find attached to the support beam. You will see a box of candles on the floor. Place the candles in a circular pattern and slaughter the calf. Now, drag Melissa downstairs and place her within the circle. Remember to slaughter the calf outside of the circle. After you have done this, open the envelope tacked to the beam.

(comes downstairs and opens envelope, man and woman appear from shadows)

“As you can see, the envelope is empty. As you can see, I am alive and so is Melissa. You have murdered your brother and I will murder you. Any last requests? You are a selfish, weak, insipid boy. I disown you and sentence you to death. (door bell rings) The police have come to take you away. I blame myself, really. I was absent most of your childhood. Not enough ballgames, not enough mentoring. Then there was the divorce. I gave you toys when you needed a dad. That is why I have come to ask your forgiveness. Can you find it in your heart to forgive your old pa? I was blinded by a lust for power and absorbed in my career. Embrace me, that’s my boy. Enough! Melissa will receive everything. This is Mr. Simpson, my representative from Price-Waterhouse.

(Samuel enters)

“Samuel, tie Benjamin to the alter and kill Mr. Simpson. Melissa, we are your undead minions. Now release Benjamin!”

(Runs outside and gets into Escalade, CD player comes on)

“If you are listening to this, I persuaded you to shoot your brother, then sacrafice your step-mother in a basement ceremony involving a calf. In reality, the gun was loaded with blanks and Samuel had a Hollywood blood bag on his chest. The sleeping pills were really sugar pills. No one was undead, EXCEPT ME! Would you believe it? I am the animated dead. What would it take to believe me? What if I put the $21,000,000 on the table again? Okay, okay, what if I persuade you to kill the first pedestrian you see who will turn out to be in on the whole thing and…”