Police Blotter

As many of you who follow this blog know, I am employed by a small police department in the State of Washington near the Canadien border. And while I’m a good cop, I have a bad little habit that got me into big trouble the other day.

I was patrolling the parking lot of a small outlet mall. It was a quiet night so I decided, as I sometimes do, to take my clothes off.

What I like to do late at night when nobody is around is to take all my clothes off and do the naked dance. I don’t know if it is some kind of fatalistic wish, I don’t know why I do it, don’t ask me why I do it. It is a bad habit and the other night it got me into a spot of bother.

You see, I locked myself out of the patrol car.

Of course, everything, pants, shirt, underwear, were inside the car. It was then I heard a call asking for a unit to respond to a naked man sighting at the outlet mall.

Now, the main thing in any crises is to keep one’s head. Fortunately, I always take my portable radio with me when I do the naked dance. Unfortunately, the only items of clothing on my body were my shoes and socks.

“Unit 8 responding from two blocks away” I announced.

“Unit 3 responding from Woodcreek and South 19th,” I heard.

“Unit 8 has it under control,” I replied.

“Unit 3 responding also”

So there was my problem in a nutshell, locked out of my car and another officer on the way.

Obviously I had to get out of the area fast, but the additional problem was that I was obviously being watched. Someone called in the complaint and I had no idea where they were observing me from. Did they know I was a policeman? Did they leave the scene? I didn’t have time to find out. I ducked into a green space full of blackberries and emerged scratched and bleeding into an adjacent neighborhood

Now, I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t enjoying myself. It was like the thrill of the naked dance multiplied by ten. The fact was, however, that I had a wife and eleven kids and was the only breadwinner and it was hard not to worry a little bit about what might happen.

“Unit 3 to Unit 8 I’m with your car, what is your position”

“Unit 8 to Unit 3, I am pursuing the subject on foot at D Street and Stemler, have lost sight of subject” I said.

I had directed Unit 3 to a housing project seven blocks North of my position buying me just a few minutes. Fortunately, I knew the neighborhood well and could lead her on a goose chase for several minutes. I reviewed my options. I could call my wife and see if she could bring me a uniform, but I had no phone. It was in my jacket. My jacket was in the patrol car. I could throw cinder block into the rear side window of the patrol and claim that an act of vandalism occurred later in my shift. Now this was a decent idea, people do vandalise patrol cars. I could claim that it happened after the bars closed. The problem was that whoever originally called in the complaint might still be watching. I might be able to beat the naked dance rap, but never could I remain employed after being convicted of destroying public property.I needed time. I needed something to draw everyone’s attention so I could work.

Now, it just so happens that there is a very large natural gas pipe which runs near the town less than a mile from where I was. Unemcumbered by clothing, I reckoned I could make it there on foot in less than five minutes. But, I would need to divert Unit 3 even farther afield.

“Unit 8 to Unit 3 I am pursuing subject into green belt on Hannegan near Riverview.”

“Unit 3 copy”

Careful to avoid street lights, I darted and weaved Eastbound on Cedar Drive, alert to the presence of any nightowls working outside their houses, or lovers sitting in their cars. I had a close call at one point while avoiding a porch light, I came within ten feet of a couple sitting in a small chevy pick-up truck. Thank my lucky stars they were busy with foreplay and I sprinted by unseen.

Did I mention that I was wearing my police hat?

After breaking into a residential garage I found a book of matches and a high speed drill and proceeded to the Williams Natural Gas Pipeline relay station. Powered by adrenaline, I broke the lock using a large rock and once inside I found the safety release valve that all local emergency personnel are trained to use in the event that gas pressure within the pipe reaches unsafe levels. I then plugged the drill into the wall socket and, after about fifteen minutes and three drill bits, and after re-directing my colleague hither-and-yon throughout the greater South residential area, I drilled a ¼ inch hole in the safety valve, gradually filling the small building with natural gas.

Then I ignited a small trash can fire and ran like heckfire.

Everybody came: fire, EMS, police and engineers from the Williams Corporation. It was beautiful. Certain that no one would be watching the patrol car at that point, I broke a rear window with a cinder block, got dressed and responded to the explosion. Home free.

EPILOGUE

Anyway, I’m sure you saw the video on TV or on YouTube (just search under“naked police dance”). Whoever filmed me dance and vandalize my own patrol somehow thought it was more interesting then a major natural gas catastrophe. Thank goodness nobody got hurt. Of course I am suspended without pay pending termination. My kids are on food stamps; they all hate me to be sure, but my wife, who’s good Morman girl, is sticking with me until we rule our own planet together.