Funny Man

“Las Vegas takes balls. It will break a kid like you if you’re not watching yourself. I know that advice is like assholes, but let me give some anyway. Walk away and forget it if you want, you can tell your friends, ‘Oh, I met Rizzi, nice guy, gave me some crackpot words of wisdom and I pretended to listen.’ Walk away and do that, you can do that. I’ll still like you kid. But, try to remember that what I say comes from hard experience. I’ve been here for sixty years. Sixty years! And even though I never had my own TV show, I’ve made a good living and I’ve rubbed elbows with all the greats. Have you ever met Sammy Davis Jr.? Too young? Prince of a guy. They don’t get nicer than Sammy. The man you saw on TV when you were a kid, that was Sammy, on the stage and off the stage. Did I know The Man? Years I knew The Man. I was there when he died, but more on that later. Frank and I were close. In fact, some folks called me an alternate. Do you know what an alternate is? An alternate is a Joe what if someone in The Pack dies, that Joe would take his place. Frank always said that he can depend on me and if he ever had something that needed to be done, like be an ashtray, or lift a woman’s skirt up what didn’t want to have her skirt lifted, like maybe a Job’s Daughter in town on convention, then I’d be that guy. Once he said that he liked me better than Shecky. That was after Shecky pissed him off after all Frank did for him. Shecky should never have said those things and Frank never forgot. I remember on his death bed Frank said, ‘I hate Shecky Greene and I hate Tommy Dorsey too! That fucking Tommy Dorsey!.’ Once, when Frank had me get down on all fours and beg for a cocktail peanut like a dog, some Marine Colonel got mad at Frank and I had to step in and tell the guy it was just a game we played. After that The Man said that I was all right in his book. But, I always knew that’s what he thought. I guess Frank pulled strings and got him court- martialed.

“So, you want to do stand-up and you want to make people laugh? Well kid, I’ve seen your act and you’re funny. I know funny and you’re funny. But, it takes more than funny to make it. I’ve seen hundreds of guys, funny guys, who are stocking shelves at the A&P because they didn’t understand what the game was. You’ve come to me and asked for my help and I see that you’re getting a little impatient. Maybe you weren’t sincere, that’s okay. You young comedians have a different style than my generation. Very edgy stuff. I don’t like all the profanity. I’m from the school that says if an act is good, you don’t need the R rated language. Frank said ‘fuck’ before you were a gleam in the milkman’s eye. Everything for Frank was fuck this and fuck that. ‘Rizzi,’ he’d say, ‘Rizzi, you fucking faggot Jew get the fuck over here and stir my Manhattan. Now the Manhattan was already mixed, but Frank liked it stirred with the straw every few minutes. What’s that? Why didn’t he stir it himself? Now that’s what I’m getting’ at kid. The funny thing was that I’m one-hundred percent Sicelian.

“So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, you say you like my act, you say you look up to me, that I was a hero to you? That’s nice kid. But, we both know I’m not funny, Tojo was funnier than me. You’re right about one thing though, the audience loves me. And I make ‘em laugh. Why do they laugh if I’m not funny, you say? Good question, is it because I’m funny, or do they laugh for other reasons? THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about!

"When a little kid makes a silly joke why do you laugh? Little kid jokes aren’t funny for grown-ups. I’ll tell you why you laugh, you laugh because little kids are powerless, because they’re putting themselves at your mercy. THAT’S what’s funny. Now kid, why is it funny for a person to make himself powerless, what’s funny about that? It’s because an audience of human beings are being exposed to themselves, and what’s being exposed is their own cruelty. People’s own cruelty is funny to them!

“Look, I know you have dreams of being a funny guy, and you ARE a funny guy, and I know funny. But, you also gotta want a steady gig. You want to be a made man. Well, Frank made me, and I’ve had zero problems ever since. First class all the way. Ever stayed in the Celebrity Suite at The Mint?

“Here’s what happened. The Pack was having a Suaree’ at Bugsy Seagal’s old place in Red Rocks. Quite a place. I guess it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, but that’s chee-chee stuff. So, Peter Lawford asks if I wanted to drop by, and I knew that if Lawford was asking it comes straight from G#% if you know what I mean. So, there I was with the whole gang and they’re all real nice to me. Everyone’s treating me like one of the boys. And then this gurney shows up and people start telling me to get on. I remember Joey Bishop and Dick Conte yelling, “get on Rizzi!”. It was then I looked at Frank, but he was facing the bar. I said, “Frank?” and he just shrugs. And I remember a couple of girls in bikinis walking me over to the gurney and Lawford putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, “it’ll be okay” in a real consoling way. I gets on and this guy in scrubs sticks me and it’s goodnight Irene.

“So, I wake up who knows how many hours later in this fancy bedroom with rock walls and a fireplace and Lawford is there when I wake up, and he puts an ice cube my mouth. He was all right. Don’t believe anything anyone says about Lawford, I’m telling you he was all right. And then Lawford told me all about it, like how the Doc was really some kind of horse doctor…you know…a vet, who owed Frank. What he owed him I never asked and it was none of my business. All I know is that I was opening for Frank at The Sands two weeks later.

“After that everything broke my way and everyone treated me real good, sort of like I was their favorite little dog or something. Frank never even asked me to stir his drink because everything was settled, know what I mean? You look pale kid. So, this doctor's name was Spender. I guess he’s still around. He must be Eighty, but I guess he has a real steady hand so he won’t cut your thing by accident. That’s SPENDER, like money. Not interested? You newer fellas actually want to make it on talent! I wish you the best. No one is interested in the sure thing these days. Really, since that colored fella Pryor came up there’ve been only a handful. I’ll let you guess which ones. We’re kind of a fraternity so we don’t talk about each other. But, we go back a long way, Twenty-One Hundred B.C.. You may know us as The Triteeyaprakrti. What's that? Carrot Top? No, I’ve never heard about him. And I would know.