Funny Man

“Las Vegas takes balls. It will break a kid like you if you’re not watching yourself. I know that advice is like assholes, but let me give some anyway. Walk away and forget it if you want, you can tell your friends, ‘Oh, I met Rizzi, nice guy, gave me some crackpot words of wisdom and I pretended to listen.’ Walk away and do that, you can do that. I’ll still like you kid. But, try to remember that what I say comes from hard experience. I’ve been here for sixty years. Sixty years! And even though I never had my own TV show, I’ve made a good living and I’ve rubbed elbows with all the greats. Have you ever met Sammy Davis Jr.? Too young? Prince of a guy. They don’t get nicer than Sammy. The man you saw on TV when you were a kid, that was Sammy, on the stage and off the stage. Did I know The Man? Years I knew The Man. I was there when he died, but more on that later. Frank and I were close. In fact, some folks called me an alternate. Do you know what an alternate is? An alternate is a Joe what if someone in The Pack dies, that Joe would take his place. Frank always said that he can depend on me and if he ever had something that needed to be done, like be an ashtray, or lift a woman’s skirt up what didn’t want to have her skirt lifted, like maybe a Job’s Daughter in town on convention, then I’d be that guy. Once he said that he liked me better than Shecky. That was after Shecky pissed him off after all Frank did for him. Shecky should never have said those things and Frank never forgot. I remember on his death bed Frank said, ‘I hate Shecky Greene and I hate Tommy Dorsey too! That fucking Tommy Dorsey!.’ Once, when Frank had me get down on all fours and beg for a cocktail peanut like a dog, some Marine Colonel got mad at Frank and I had to step in and tell the guy it was just a game we played. After that The Man said that I was all right in his book. But, I always knew that’s what he thought. I guess Frank pulled strings and got him court- martialed.

“So, you want to do stand-up and you want to make people laugh? Well kid, I’ve seen your act and you’re funny. I know funny and you’re funny. But, it takes more than funny to make it. I’ve seen hundreds of guys, funny guys, who are stocking shelves at the A&P because they didn’t understand what the game was. You’ve come to me and asked for my help and I see that you’re getting a little impatient. Maybe you weren’t sincere, that’s okay. You young comedians have a different style than my generation. Very edgy stuff. I don’t like all the profanity. I’m from the school that says if an act is good, you don’t need the R rated language. Frank said ‘fuck’ before you were a gleam in the milkman’s eye. Everything for Frank was fuck this and fuck that. ‘Rizzi,’ he’d say, ‘Rizzi, you fucking faggot Jew get the fuck over here and stir my Manhattan. Now the Manhattan was already mixed, but Frank liked it stirred with the straw every few minutes. What’s that? Why didn’t he stir it himself? Now that’s what I’m getting’ at kid. The funny thing was that I’m one-hundred percent Sicelian.

“So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, you say you like my act, you say you look up to me, that I was a hero to you? That’s nice kid. But, we both know I’m not funny, Tojo was funnier than me. You’re right about one thing though, the audience loves me. And I make ‘em laugh. Why do they laugh if I’m not funny, you say? Good question, is it because I’m funny, or do they laugh for other reasons? THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about!

"When a little kid makes a silly joke why do you laugh? Little kid jokes aren’t funny for grown-ups. I’ll tell you why you laugh, you laugh because little kids are powerless, because they’re putting themselves at your mercy. THAT’S what’s funny. Now kid, why is it funny for a person to make himself powerless, what’s funny about that? It’s because an audience of human beings are being exposed to themselves, and what’s being exposed is their own cruelty. People’s own cruelty is funny to them!

“Look, I know you have dreams of being a funny guy, and you ARE a funny guy, and I know funny. But, you also gotta want a steady gig. You want to be a made man. Well, Frank made me, and I’ve had zero problems ever since. First class all the way. Ever stayed in the Celebrity Suite at The Mint?

“Here’s what happened. The Pack was having a Suaree’ at Bugsy Seagal’s old place in Red Rocks. Quite a place. I guess it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, but that’s chee-chee stuff. So, Peter Lawford asks if I wanted to drop by, and I knew that if Lawford was asking it comes straight from G#% if you know what I mean. So, there I was with the whole gang and they’re all real nice to me. Everyone’s treating me like one of the boys. And then this gurney shows up and people start telling me to get on. I remember Joey Bishop and Dick Conte yelling, “get on Rizzi!”. It was then I looked at Frank, but he was facing the bar. I said, “Frank?” and he just shrugs. And I remember a couple of girls in bikinis walking me over to the gurney and Lawford putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, “it’ll be okay” in a real consoling way. I gets on and this guy in scrubs sticks me and it’s goodnight Irene.

“So, I wake up who knows how many hours later in this fancy bedroom with rock walls and a fireplace and Lawford is there when I wake up, and he puts an ice cube my mouth. He was all right. Don’t believe anything anyone says about Lawford, I’m telling you he was all right. And then Lawford told me all about it, like how the Doc was really some kind of horse doctor…you know…a vet, who owed Frank. What he owed him I never asked and it was none of my business. All I know is that I was opening for Frank at The Sands two weeks later.

“After that everything broke my way and everyone treated me real good, sort of like I was their favorite little dog or something. Frank never even asked me to stir his drink because everything was settled, know what I mean? You look pale kid. So, this doctor's name was Spender. I guess he’s still around. He must be Eighty, but I guess he has a real steady hand so he won’t cut your thing by accident. That’s SPENDER, like money. Not interested? You newer fellas actually want to make it on talent! I wish you the best. No one is interested in the sure thing these days. Really, since that colored fella Pryor came up there’ve been only a handful. I’ll let you guess which ones. We’re kind of a fraternity so we don’t talk about each other. But, we go back a long way, Twenty-One Hundred B.C.. You may know us as The Triteeyaprakrti. What's that? Carrot Top? No, I’ve never heard about him. And I would know.

My Speech to the Masses

My fellow (state your group name), I stand before you tonight mindful that I am giving a speech. I stand here mindful that I would like to persuade you that we stand at a crossroads. I would like to persuade you to believe that you have only one real choice and that this choice subsumes every personal choice you make. The choice which I am falsely claiming is a choice between going back to the malaise of life that you know (I want you to believe that this life is worse than you think) and giving me complete control over every thought you have and every action you take. Let us call this latter choice “going forward.”

I stand here not as myself, but rather as a projection of what you want me to be, as an embodiment of what you believe life could be. Now, I understand that my close supporters believe that you are sheep, that you are desperately clinging to me in order to have some kind of identity. I also know that many of you are on the fence, hoping that I will improve your life. Let me say these words of assurance, “I will improve your life”. I will not mention what I will really do to you. You don’t want to know that. You don’t want believe that you made a horrible mistake by supporting my ascension, condemning your children to 100 years of darkness.

There are many voices who say that these promises are impossible. They claim that there is no rational basis for believing them. They are certainly correct. However, I want you to view these voices in a particular way. I want you to develop a picture of these voices as a sub-human group. I would like that picture in your minds to be that of atavistic monsters standing between you and security. I also want you to believe that every person you are emotionally dependent on believes the same thing too, that you will be rejected by those persons if you do not share this opinion, and that any doubts you may experience are your’s alone. It is my sincere hope that you fear the maximum immolation of self if you are shunned by your peer group.

Let me make something perfectly clear because it is that point in the speech, even though I have no principles and fewer convictions, I will not surrender one inch .

Let me also say to the opposition, but really to you, my ignorant minions, that my door is always open, and that I will hear your words even though I will not listen. Share the delusion that I am truly open to new ideas even though complete power is the only idea I cherish.

Here is the part of the speech where I go into detail about my plan. View my words as alarming facts which overwhelmingly make the case for giving me total command over life itself. Please be afraid that the examples I cite will happen to you were I not standing in the breech. Now transfer your fear from what in the world might happen to you, to what will happen without me.

Now accept my words of consolation, “be consoled.” Now I will give you reasons to hope for the future if you support me.

Now, one last note of dread of what will happen without me.

“The time has come for action” is what I say at this point in the speech. “There is no longer time for speeches” even though I will make another one tomorrow.

At this moment, waiting for me in my presidential palace are 49 young women oiled and writhing together in a choreographed lattice work of carnal depravity. Above this spectacle is a golden alter bearing my image as incense smoke rises to the ceiling. Do not hold this image of me as you go home and prepare to battle those I have persuaded you are the enemy.

Tomorrow, as I am laughing at your gullibility, you will storm the ramparts and many will die. Your deaths will amuse me and I will receive fellatio as I watch the video on a repeat basis. Keep in mind that I will use the deaths of your sons, or perhaps of your friends, to stoke the fire of hatred even hotter until all dissent is annihilated. I will then turn on you, my supporters. Remember that I will not kill all of you physically as it will be much more enjoyable to kill you spiritually through decades of torture and fear and privation.

Of course, my day will come. It might be the hangman’s noose recorded on an I-Phone, or maybe a bullet in an abandoned army barracks. That will be a long time from now. In the meantime, I will defy God and everything human and in the process keep a promise I made to myself as a small boy denied my mother’s love. This was the promise that I would subsume all who were not abused and all who can experience love. That I will transform these persons into the objects which I became as a child, leaving me the last subject on earth. This is my promise to you. It is a promise I intend to keep.

Final Instructions

If you are reading this letter than I am dead. Let me just say that I loved you both very much. Please indulge me by complying with one last request, a small thing really, considering how much I gave to you both and how little I asked in return. Actually, it won’t be just one thing, but a few things, simple and easy things that should take no more than a few minutes to accomplish. All perfectly legal. That is, all very safe and mostly legal, until the final request.
Did I mention the incentive? Oh yes, your entire inheritance is dependent on fulfilling these requests. $21,000,000, all your’s if these actions can be verified by my representative at Price-Waterhouse. And yes, the trollop who is my wife of will receive nothing, in this life or the next. Benjamin, Samuel, I love you both with all my heart. Ben, please open the manilla envelope for your personal instructions, DO NOT READ THEM ALOUD. Samuel, please await your very specific and important instructions

(opens envelope)

Firstly, display no emotion as you read this whatsoever. Secondly, in the top right drawer of my desk you will find my revolver, it is loaded. Shoot Samuel in the chest and do not hesitate, remember the $21,000,000 is all your’s now. Don’t worry about getting away with the crime, I have it all worked out. SHOOT!(shoots) Good boy. Now place the gun in your pocket. You will dispose of it in the river later. Regarding the body, drag it into the garage. I recommend carrying it with your arms hooked under the shoulders because deadweights are extremely difficult to move. Then, place it into the trunk of the Bentley which I have arranged to be covered with plastic. Now you must drive the Bentley to the Biscayne house. Melissa is away on a cruise, celebrating. In the glove compartment you will find a garage door opener, drive into the garage and deposit the body in the kitchen in a sitting position Note: this can be trickey with a deadweight, I know first hand. Now brew a cup of coffee and place it in front of the body and write a note reading, “Just Dishing”. Tape the note to the mouth of the body while remembering the $21,000,000. Then, wipe down the room for fingerprints. In the kitchen doors to the left of the sink you will find keys to the Eascalade. It is parked two blocks North of the house. Turn on the CD player and follow further instructions.

(turns on CD player)

“Benjamin, if you are listening to this then you have followed instructions and for this I commend you. Be encouraged to know that you are near the half-way point, half-way to $21,000,000. My wife, the slut, and Samuel , are together responsible for my death. As you know, she will receive nothing from the estate. But that is not enough. In the backseat you will find a disguise. Put these on and drive to the house in Palm Beach which will be your’s soon enough. Pause the CD player until you arrive.

“So, you are in disguise and you have arrived in the alley behind the house in Palm Beach which will be your’s soon enough. I suppose that you are wondering about the disguise. Fair enough. I picked it up in my travels through New Guinea, specifically near Mt Jaya. It was designed to frighten the spirits of the dead and was the most terrifying thing I ever saw until I saw your step-mother without her makeup one morning. Under the garden troll you wil find a house key. The alarm code is 4917. In the map box you will find an envelope with further instructions. Open it once inside and follow instructions to the letter”

(enters house and opens envelope)

So, at this point you are inside awaiting further instructions. Let me just say at this point that I am beaming with pride even though I am most certainly in hell. Let me also say that I lied to you when I said that Melissa is on a cruise. In fact, she is upstairs on our bed watching some kind of CSI show and drinking gin tonics. I am regretful because you deserve the truth. However, had I told you exactly what I wanted you to do, you would have fainted with dread. Now you are all-in, and there is no doubt that you will follow through because failing to do so will result in life imprisonment and even lethal injection. I also lied about dumping the gun in the river. Here is what you are to do. Inside the hall closet you will find my black overcoat. In the right pocket you will find a bottle of pills and surgical gloves. Put on the surgical gloves and take the pills upstairs. Force Melissa to swollow the entire bottle at gunpoint and place the bottle on the bedside table. After she is unconscious, go down to the basement and untie the small calf you will find attached to the support beam. You will see a box of candles on the floor. Place the candles in a circular pattern and slaughter the calf. Now, drag Melissa downstairs and place her within the circle. Remember to slaughter the calf outside of the circle. After you have done this, open the envelope tacked to the beam.

(comes downstairs and opens envelope, man and woman appear from shadows)

“As you can see, the envelope is empty. As you can see, I am alive and so is Melissa. You have murdered your brother and I will murder you. Any last requests? You are a selfish, weak, insipid boy. I disown you and sentence you to death. (door bell rings) The police have come to take you away. I blame myself, really. I was absent most of your childhood. Not enough ballgames, not enough mentoring. Then there was the divorce. I gave you toys when you needed a dad. That is why I have come to ask your forgiveness. Can you find it in your heart to forgive your old pa? I was blinded by a lust for power and absorbed in my career. Embrace me, that’s my boy. Enough! Melissa will receive everything. This is Mr. Simpson, my representative from Price-Waterhouse.

(Samuel enters)

“Samuel, tie Benjamin to the alter and kill Mr. Simpson. Melissa, we are your undead minions. Now release Benjamin!”

(Runs outside and gets into Escalade, CD player comes on)

“If you are listening to this, I persuaded you to shoot your brother, then sacrafice your step-mother in a basement ceremony involving a calf. In reality, the gun was loaded with blanks and Samuel had a Hollywood blood bag on his chest. The sleeping pills were really sugar pills. No one was undead, EXCEPT ME! Would you believe it? I am the animated dead. What would it take to believe me? What if I put the $21,000,000 on the table again? Okay, okay, what if I persuade you to kill the first pedestrian you see who will turn out to be in on the whole thing and…”

Why Would I Set My Own House On Fire?

I was on my way to the kitchen to fetch a sippy cup when I smelled the smoke. It was coming from the backyard and when I got outside I observed that the house was on fire. Of course, I evacuated the family and called the fire department as soon as I could. But, the house was lost.

It was terrible. The wife and children were devastated. We had lost our most treasured possessions and along with those things we had lost our past.

Imagine my astonishment when the fire marshall suggested the possibility that I set my own house on fire.

Can you imagine anything more far fetched?

According to the fire marshall there were trace elements of kerosene leading from the point of ignition to the garden shed in the backyard.

“Could not some wayward teen have stolen kerosene from the shed and started the fire?” I asked.

“Well”, as he stroked his chin thoughtfully,”that’s possible, I guess. But, how would he know the combination to the padlock, there’s no sign of forced entry.”

“What if I said that I found the latch unlocked and relocked it myself after the fire?”

“Are you saying that?” he replied.

“Positively I’m saying that”, I said. “In any event, why would I set my own house on fire?”

“Any number of reasons”, he answered while taking pictures of the padlock, “sometimes people do it for the insurance money and sometimes people do it for irrational reasons.”

“Or maybe not for the insurance money and maybe for perfectly rational reasons.”, I said and then added,”you are looking for somebody else.”

“From my perspective that has yet to be determined. If you are innocent then pardon my suspicions. The deal is that we can’t let people burn things down and I’ve got my job to do.”

I told him that I understood and we shook hands. I gave him the soul style handshake with the fingers wrapped around the thumb and the hands at 135 degress. Then I put on a baby blue bandana and folded the corner over the top of my head and tucked it under to knot in the back. Then I returned to Extended Stay America and picked up a pizza on the way. The wife and children were at the mall to buy new clothes, so I watched TV for a while and ate some pizza and then called Janette. I left a message. It was a that point I went to the Angel of the Winds casino and asked them to cash the check from this TV ad lawyer who makes advances on large cash settlements. Then I lost $150,000 after being up $27,000.

Some guys don’t know when to walk away!

Back at the hotel I found a note from the wife saying that she was taking the children to her parents and was, of all things, FILING FOR DIVORCE. Gobsmacked, I wondered how she could have found out about the casino and then remembered giving Janette the number for the hotel. She must have called at the wrong time. Then I tried to remember if I told Janette I was married.

And if that wasn’t icing on the cake, the Bellingham police came by with a warrant for my arrest. Thank goodness I had a good lawyer, Pat Lakey, who got me acquitted in a trial by jury. So, instead of prison I was drowning in legal fees including the $150,000 advance. Can you imagine that I was very eager to get that settlement .

I should have gotten $310,000, what I got was zero dollars because the insurance man said that the circumstances of the fire were suspicious even though I was acquitted by a legal jury. “I was acquitted,” I told him, “whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?”

“We have a different threshold for culpibility than a criminal court.” The adjuster said.

So, without money even to pay a hotel bill, I looked up this particular man I met on the street named Les. Les taught me how to manufacture meth and I started cooking in my suite at Extended Stay America.

I burned down the building, but this time NO ONE could say it wasn’t an accident.

Everything was lost for sure at that point. All I had were the clothes I was wearing. I called Janette who must have taken meth herself because she wasn’t enthusiastic about me coming over to stay for a few weeks.This made me feel insecure about our relationship. I asked Les if I could stay a few nights at his place and he said sure. But, when I woke up the next morning Les was lying on my back, grinding me with his private personal place and I had to scram. Les said that he was confused about my bandana. So I went looking for the ex-wife and discovered that she was going to a some megachurch in Fairview. You better believe that I started going there myself and got involved in a man’s group. And wouldn’t you bet that I got to know the Pastor pretty well. He even set up a meeting between me and the wife at Denny's. Around that time someone gave me a copy of “The Love Dare” and I had an idea to bring it along.

“Have you read it?” she asked.

“Read it?”

“Oh Ray .” She said

“Megan, would you let me move in with you?” I asked, and the bitch said no which made me wonder who was fucking her.

Then she asked me a strange question,“don’t you want to see your children? I mean, I wouldn't let you, but don’t you want to see them?"

“See my children,” is what I remember saying.

Of course, I followed her home and watched her place for several days and I saw a man drop her off one night, but he didn’t stay. Then I called Janette.

“I just called to tell you that I’m getting back together with my wife” I said. I told her that everything was straightened out with the law and that I found a job and that I was getting right with The Lord.

She said that was great.”I hope we run into each other some day,” she said.

“How about tonight?” I asked her.

“I thought you were getting back together with your wife?” Then she called me a bad boy and asked me over. You know the rest.

Postscript: subject agreed to donate his brain to research, during which no chemical or structural abnormalities were found. Subject confimed court statements that he did not use pornography or drugs. He also stated that he had no recollection of childhood bedwetting or animal torture.

Notably, the subject demonstrated behavior anomolous to the Shepherds-Grieves Sociopathological Behavior Matrix. For example, while the subject requested the congruent “surf and turf” last meal, he left the food unconsumed and opted instead for the salisbury steak and string beans served to the general prison population. And while the subject requested a blue bandana be made available, subject did not wear the the object during the termination event. Instead, it was found in the cell carefully wrapped around a photograph of the subject’s family, along with a laminated religious image of what is referred to as “the holy family”. These behaviors may intimate dynamics even more disturbing than those represented by the behavior matrix.

In conclusion: additional resources would make it possible to further study subject’s brain physiology, possibly yielding results which lead to future profile identification and behavior modification and the inherent cost benefit results.

Police Blotter

As many of you who follow this blog know, I am employed by a small police department in the State of Washington near the Canadien border. And while I’m a good cop, I have a bad little habit that got me into big trouble the other day.

I was patrolling the parking lot of a small outlet mall. It was a quiet night so I decided, as I sometimes do, to take my clothes off.

What I like to do late at night when nobody is around is to take all my clothes off and do the naked dance. I don’t know if it is some kind of fatalistic wish, I don’t know why I do it, don’t ask me why I do it. It is a bad habit and the other night it got me into a spot of bother.

You see, I locked myself out of the patrol car.

Of course, everything, pants, shirt, underwear, were inside the car. It was then I heard a call asking for a unit to respond to a naked man sighting at the outlet mall.

Now, the main thing in any crises is to keep one’s head. Fortunately, I always take my portable radio with me when I do the naked dance. Unfortunately, the only items of clothing on my body were my shoes and socks.

“Unit 8 responding from two blocks away” I announced.

“Unit 3 responding from Woodcreek and South 19th,” I heard.

“Unit 8 has it under control,” I replied.

“Unit 3 responding also”

So there was my problem in a nutshell, locked out of my car and another officer on the way.

Obviously I had to get out of the area fast, but the additional problem was that I was obviously being watched. Someone called in the complaint and I had no idea where they were observing me from. Did they know I was a policeman? Did they leave the scene? I didn’t have time to find out. I ducked into a green space full of blackberries and emerged scratched and bleeding into an adjacent neighborhood

Now, I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t enjoying myself. It was like the thrill of the naked dance multiplied by ten. The fact was, however, that I had a wife and eleven kids and was the only breadwinner and it was hard not to worry a little bit about what might happen.

“Unit 3 to Unit 8 I’m with your car, what is your position”

“Unit 8 to Unit 3, I am pursuing the subject on foot at D Street and Stemler, have lost sight of subject” I said.

I had directed Unit 3 to a housing project seven blocks North of my position buying me just a few minutes. Fortunately, I knew the neighborhood well and could lead her on a goose chase for several minutes. I reviewed my options. I could call my wife and see if she could bring me a uniform, but I had no phone. It was in my jacket. My jacket was in the patrol car. I could throw cinder block into the rear side window of the patrol and claim that an act of vandalism occurred later in my shift. Now this was a decent idea, people do vandalise patrol cars. I could claim that it happened after the bars closed. The problem was that whoever originally called in the complaint might still be watching. I might be able to beat the naked dance rap, but never could I remain employed after being convicted of destroying public property.I needed time. I needed something to draw everyone’s attention so I could work.

Now, it just so happens that there is a very large natural gas pipe which runs near the town less than a mile from where I was. Unemcumbered by clothing, I reckoned I could make it there on foot in less than five minutes. But, I would need to divert Unit 3 even farther afield.

“Unit 8 to Unit 3 I am pursuing subject into green belt on Hannegan near Riverview.”

“Unit 3 copy”

Careful to avoid street lights, I darted and weaved Eastbound on Cedar Drive, alert to the presence of any nightowls working outside their houses, or lovers sitting in their cars. I had a close call at one point while avoiding a porch light, I came within ten feet of a couple sitting in a small chevy pick-up truck. Thank my lucky stars they were busy with foreplay and I sprinted by unseen.

Did I mention that I was wearing my police hat?

After breaking into a residential garage I found a book of matches and a high speed drill and proceeded to the Williams Natural Gas Pipeline relay station. Powered by adrenaline, I broke the lock using a large rock and once inside I found the safety release valve that all local emergency personnel are trained to use in the event that gas pressure within the pipe reaches unsafe levels. I then plugged the drill into the wall socket and, after about fifteen minutes and three drill bits, and after re-directing my colleague hither-and-yon throughout the greater South residential area, I drilled a ¼ inch hole in the safety valve, gradually filling the small building with natural gas.

Then I ignited a small trash can fire and ran like heckfire.

Everybody came: fire, EMS, police and engineers from the Williams Corporation. It was beautiful. Certain that no one would be watching the patrol car at that point, I broke a rear window with a cinder block, got dressed and responded to the explosion. Home free.

EPILOGUE

Anyway, I’m sure you saw the video on TV or on YouTube (just search under“naked police dance”). Whoever filmed me dance and vandalize my own patrol somehow thought it was more interesting then a major natural gas catastrophe. Thank goodness nobody got hurt. Of course I am suspended without pay pending termination. My kids are on food stamps; they all hate me to be sure, but my wife, who’s good Morman girl, is sticking with me until we rule our own planet together.